Okay, so this blog was initially created to follow my doings, emotions, feelings, moods, following the loss of Fuzzy.

That has been done, quiet successfully I think. I have now created another Blog, which you can find here - http://www.journeytostickybun.blogspot.com/ which I will post on from now on.

I'm ready to write a tribute to you my dear Fuzzy Angel..

I'm sorry I haven't done it sooner, it's taken quiet a while for me to adjust I think. Adjust to the fact that one day I had you, I was dreaming about you, I couldn't wait to meet you, the next you were gone. :(

But I am ok now. Just ok for now. I don't know if I'll ever get 'over it'. I don't think I should have to. You were a part of me, and I've lost you. :(

But we're coming through the other side, together. Chad & I. I must admit, the support I've felt from so many people has just been overwhelming. The girls on the forum, my dear Chad, my sister Lene & Laura. They're the most influential throughout this whole journey.

I will more than likely still come in to this thread, when something pops in to my mind I'd like to record, or when I feel like writing something about Fuzzy.

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Fuzzy, I'm sorry I haven't wrote this sooner, it's taken quiet a while for me to adjust I think. Adjust to the fact that one day I had you, I was dreaming about you, I couldn't wait to meet you, the next you were gone. :(

But I am ok now. Just ok for now. I don't know if I'll ever get 'over it'. I don't think I should have to. You were a part of me, and I've lost you. :(

But we're coming through the other side, together, Daddy & I. I must admit, the support I've felt from so many people has just been overwhelming. Really nice. Daddy's just been amazing, although at times he doesn't know what to say/do, him just being there is the best feeling ever. The girls on the forum, my sister Lene & Laura - my best friend. They're the most influential throughout this whole journey and I don't know what if I lost you & didn't have each and every one of them.

I love you Fuzzy.

I miss you so much my heart aches every day. I know it will get easier, and I understand that it takes time, I just wish I never had to endure losing you in the first place.

The 29th August I would have been at that 3 month mark, at the end of the first trimester.

We're in August now. It's 'the' month. That is the date I couldn't wait to reach - that meant I had you. Forever. In my mind that was my 'secure' date.

I can't believe I lost you. :( Sure, you were still so small, and some people will never understand why I miss you so much when I only had you such a short time, but as for me.. I never knew I could, or had the ability to, love someone so much that I had never met.

You were someone to me, to us. You weren't just 'in my tummy'. You were a person evolving. A person, none the less.

We'd thought about names, I'd thought about what room in the house would be yours, how you would change our lives for the better, what you'd be like, whether you'd have Daddy's chubby fingers, what you & Anika would fight like (being siblings!) as the years went on, how proud our parents would be... I thought about you so much. Day in, day out.

I still do.

Someone that was still so small, and had only been in our lives for a matter of days. It's so amazing. What a gift. I never knew I could feel these type of feelings.

But now, thanks to you, I know that's all possible and for that I will be eternally grateful.

I plan to plant a tree for you this weekend, in your honour. I will plant it in a pot, so that when we eventually buy a home, we can take you with us. We'll then plant you at our home - where you'll belong for life. It's the least we, I, can do. To say thank you. Thank you for coming in to my life, even though it was for such a short time. Thank you for showing me I have the ability to feel these type of feelings I never knew existed, let alone were possible. Thank you for changing my life. It is that you have done. Fully.

I will forever be grateful.

Fly high Fuzzy Angel, keep Poppy company up there, and always look down on your sister, Anika. She misses you too. I can't wait to give you (& Anika) a baby brother or sister - I know you'll watch over him/her in mummy's belly & keep them safe.

Mummy & Daddy will miss you forever. xxx

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Psychic Reading

So I've done it!

I've been umming & ahhing over getting one of these done for a little while now, a couple of weeks (since I saw a thread on this particular psychic on the forum), and have finally bit the bullet - I've requested one!

It's not an actual in person reading, it's just an internet version (I know what you're thinking already... and I was too..!) so I'm going to try not to read a lot in to it - unless of course it's positive which I'm soooo hoping for!

I only purchased the 1 question - 3 guesses what it's along the lines of?? ;-p hehe

So now it's just a matter of..

waiting.... waiting.... waiting.... waiting....

I've already got an email back from her which is just great, and it says that the average waiting time for a response is 3 days - not too long which is great!

**sending positive vibes out to the universe for me & my reading**

**sending positive vibes out to the universe for me & my reading**

**sending positive vibes out to the universe for me & my reading**

My letter out to the universe!!

My letter out to the universe, seeking our much anticipated & wished for little BABY of our own :D

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To the Universe,

I am in 2 minds about you.

I don’t understand why, after all of the baby talks between C & I, after all the wishing & praying, after all of the attempts we’d put in over the past WHILE to conceive our baby, when we finally did you took it away from us!!

We are READY for this baby – we are!! WE ARE! WE ARE! WE ARE! :)

We are ready to love, nurture, welcome, and support our new baby in to a happy toddler, then adolescent, then adult, and continue loving & supporting our dear child all the way through life! Our family is ready to become 4!

Anika is ready to become a big sister more than you’d ever believe – it was her that chose the name fuzzy; she was so looking forward to the baby… it broke my heart when I had to tell her what had happened, and then for her to ask when the baby is going to ‘get better’..

You KNEW we’d told Anika, you KNEW we’d told all people close to us, WHY did you have to take him/her away!?? It’s something I’ll never understand. If everything happens for a reason, then what is the reason for us losing Fuzzy????????

We already had our names picked out depending on whether it was a girl or a boy (after all the trying this helped passed the time), we’d decided what pram we were going to get, what room in the house would be the nursery etc. We’d made so many important, baby decisions! Does that not show you how ready we are!???

I’m not angry – I just have questions. Questions that will probably, forever be unanswered. But please, you can put our mind at ease by allowing us our baby we so greatly wish to love & care for...

Please universe, all we hope & pray for is a healthy, full term, safe pregnancy. Is that so much to ask? A honeymoon baby would be ideal.

We are now, and have in the past, put so many different measures in place to show just how ready we are.

I refuse to blame my body for what happened, because after all the time trying, it was my body that finally became pregnant, that actually showed me I [i]can fall pregnant, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Sincerely,

The Family Wishing To Become 4 xxx

2 Weeks has passed....

...since Fuzzy left us.

Yesterday was a lot harder than I initially thought it would be. Sure, I knew it would be hard, but I didn't actually realise it would HIT me like it did! :(

The main point was as I was driving home from work, I came around a particular corner. It was the corner I was driving on my way home from work the day I lost Fuzzy, when I absolutely lost it & started screaming "my baby...!!!!"

It was sad. That corner certainly bought up the rawest of memories. :(

We're doing OK I guess. Not really sure what else I can write other than what I have written...

I have another appt at Sharkey's Healing Centre on the 4th of August, so for now, it's just holding out till then.

I have some positive news though! (Trying to remain as positive as I can throughout this whole thing - something good's got to come of that at least... right)?

For about the past 7 years I have had fairly normal day cycles (28 - 32) however, a really short LP. Some people I'd spoken to & research I had done had indicated that a short LP could make it difficult to fall pregnant and given OPK's aren't overly accurate for me (read: can't get them to work at all!) it wasn't making the road travelled very easy, nor fun, for us.

Well, I'm now 14 days in to this 'cycle' following Fuzzy, and I'm pretty certain I'm O'ing now. I've got loads of EWCM (more than I think I ever had when we were actively BD'ing), had the real full on O pangs yesterday afternoon, & headaches galore. Also, another big one is my temps are stabilising around the normal temperature of what they 'should be'. Text book temperatures - around the 35.8 mark.

That may not seem like such a big deal to most, but it is to me - considering I was always pushing to get them above the 34 mark - even around O time!!!

You see progesterone is what keeps your temps spiked, and prog is needed to create and sustain a pregnancy.. along with the HCG of course (the main pregnancy hormone). Therefore, if my temp was always so low perhaps I was never producing enough progesterone to create a pregnancy, let alone sustain one..? Got me thinking now. Positively.

Could this mean my body is finally getting in to line? I think it does!!

If I go by my feelings as I was drifting off to sleep last night, I'm pretty certain I'll have a little 'bun in the oven' come our honeymoon (or before)!

I will always love you Fuzzy - you'll always be my first baby :-) xxx

Thank you 'Mish' :-)

I owe this post to Michelle (Serenzy). She is so sweet. You're probably wondering who 'Mish' is. It's Michelle. She is a fellow i-do'er. :) A lovely woman with lovely words. She made me feel nice tonight. Just nice. :)

We have a section on this forum where pregnant women come in & show off their gorgeous belly pics. Regular pictures taken at different intervals throughout their pregnancies showing off their beautiful, glowing, round, full bellies. It's an infatuation, if you will. (Well what would you call it, a post with hundreds & hundres of pages, thousands & thousands of bellies?? Point taken?)

But hey, that's us. Us I-Do'ers are a different breed. :P

Anyway, whilst browsing through the latest posts this afternoon, I came across Michelle's latest post - taken at 26 Weeks + 3 Days.

This is her:


Check out the Tatt & Pandora bracelet? Does it remind you of anyone? :P

Me. :)

Call me weird, call me bizarre, call me a freak, call me what ever you want.

As soon as I saw this picture, (besides the initial thinking of how utterly beautiful it was that such a precious being is growing so well inside of there - congrats Mish xx), the second thing that came to mind was how much it reminded me of me!

Now, after my dream last night, combined with thinking of my baby today sitting at the traffic lights and seeing a huge baby billboard, combined with seeing this belly and it reminding me of me, I really think I'm on to something with this Positive Thinking out to the universe. I've been reading a lot of The Secret lately, and saying positive affirmations to myself a lot.

"My body & I are ready to create a happy, healthy, full term viable pregnancy"

"We wish for a honeymoon baby" (we marry in just under 9 weeks)

"To hold, to love, to cherish"

I also find myself talking to my uterus. Yep, total confessed weirdo right here!! LOL. I tell it to become very sticky, and prepare it's lining ready for my next blessing that will stay with us to full term. Things like that. :)

As much as it may sound weird, what ever works right? It keeps me positive, and keeps me thinking the best. That's what I have to do.

I've also told Mish that as soon as I take my very own belly pics, I'll have her to thank! I will come on here as much as it takes to admire the above picture, and keep telling me that will be me very soon. After our honeymoon :)

I can't wait to go in to labour. It will mean I'm THAT much closer to meeting my very own prince or princess. I can't wait. Am I actually saying that??

YEP. I am. & proud to!

Hmm... went to the toilet earlier too. Should probably mention this thinking. Will be good to read back on, reflect back to, in the near future - when I fall pregnant again.

Even though I really had no intention of us trying this cycle, now AF has stopped (following the m/c) and i've got the EWCM, it really makes me wonder if we should give it a go. I'm in 2 minds. I was told not to by the docs, as my body should get itself back in tip top form for a bubby to stick, but seeing that EWCM it's so tempting! I'm sure you know what I mean... as soon as we see it we know the BD is on! It's hard to resist this time.

I'm off for now, ta ta

Thanks again Mish!

oxoxoxo

A good sign

Thought I'd pop in quickly & tell of a dream I had last night..!

I really believe it's trying to tell me something. We had such a huge emotionally draining week, we decided to have a really quiet Sunday on the couch in front of the TV / reading. I read some of 'The Secret' again. I love this book. It makes me feel good.

Anyway, my dream went like this. Apologies in advance if it's all over the place - dreams never make sense. Until now!

THE DREAM:

We were travelling to Adelaide to see a male friend of ours, turns out it was a guy I work with (bizarre, already!).

Anyway, we were just starting to descend in to Adelaide after the 2 hour flight, and all of a sudden the plane took this huge downward spiral - head first. A REAL downward spiral! Then, nothing. Must have crashed I think, because I woke up. Didn't seem like there was much saving it.

Now, normally (in my every day life) I would freak the bloody hell out over this (as would most)! I'm scared of flying at the best of times, and always worry before every flight 'what if something goes wrong'. (I think this is reflecting me freaking out over having a m/c, then it actually happened).

Went back to sleep, and had exactly the same dream except for the downward spiral part. We were going to Adelaide, same plane, same flight time, same everything, but no worrying before we boarded.. or very minimal anyway. Normal thinking about the flight.

I went on to the flight with the thinking that everything would go fine, I don't think I really even questioned whether something would happen, as I always did... & everything did! It ran just fine..!

I don't remember landing, but I remember descending, and everything was running so smoothly. No problems.

But then I woke up again, (albeit, late. Woops.)

Now, normally I'm not one that reads in to my dreams, or very rarely anyway. But as I was in the shower, it just hit me. This dream means something. It's trying to tell me something. The next time everything will be fine, and it will all run smoothly.

Because I freaked out so much about the first one (worrying morning, night, day in, day out) that something would go wrong, it did. Now, I know I didn't cause it as such, but as someone else said to me the mind is a powerful tool. I need to now use it to my advantage, not disadvantage.

:) I FEEL SO MUCH MORE POSITIVE ABOUT MY NEXT PREGNANCY. :)

Ouch

What a bullet. It felt like a bullet.

Got news through yesterday that Jess (Brett's wife) had just given birth to their second son.

I know I shouldn't say it like that, I just can't help it. It's how I felt. It's how I feel.

I don't think anyone else will ever understand unless they've been through a m/c themselves.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very very happy for them, and so glad the new baby was delivered safely and soundly, it just brings up a lot of very sad memories for me. Memories that are still so raw, and that I am still grieving through. I miss Fuzzy. I'm so angry at the universe for taking him away from me so quickly..!

Chad is being absolutely wonderful throughout it all. He understands. He said to me last night that we were going up the hospital today to see them & the new baby. I lost it. :( I must admit, I was very upset that he didn't even ask me, just assumed that I would be OK with it. :(

I'm not. I don't know when I will be.

I know this probably sounds very selfish, but if anyone reading this has been through a m/c themselves, they'll understand. I could very well attend the hospital, and could probably put on a happy face for them, and have a hold of the new baby. I could do it. But I don't want to. I don't think it will do anything in assisting my grieving for Fuzzy, and so long as Chad & Anika go, that's the main thing. Brett is Chad's brother. I do understand he has to go. As much as it still hurts knowing where he'll be going, and what he'll be doing, I know he has to.

It doesn't help that I have a55hole people around me (won't go in to any names) that think I should have 'got over it by now', since it happened 'nearly 2 weeks ago'. WTF?? Some people have no clue.

They never will.

But, throughout it all, congratulations Brett & Jess on the safe arrival of your new baby boy. Jai, congratulations on your new baby brother, and welcome to the world little one.

I have started enquiring in to different forms of grieving/relaxation. I've been reading up a lot lately on hypnotherapy. I know that probably sound wayy out there, but I'm nearly ready to give anything a go! I have my mood board, and whilst that helps me sometimes, I still find the negative thoughts creeping in to my mind - 'what is I don't fall pregnant for another 12 months', 'what is I miscarry my next baby', 'what if my body isn't designed for holding a full term baby'..? All the negativity just keeps on creeping in. & I need to stop it. I'm a big believer in 'The Secret' philosophy, so I need to put better thoughts out there! I'm thinking this can help.

We've also got another appt with the naturopathist for August 14, at 1:30pm. It is to see Stacey. She is the good one. She is the 'baby maker' (LOL). This is an amazing naturopathy clinic who is very well known (has even been on A Current Affair, etc) for creating babies. Working with your body, with the correct herbs, to make a viable pregnancy. I saw them in November of last year and have been taking the herbs (it is soo YUCK!), and now fell! That's the best thing out of all of this. I know I keep saying that throughout my blog, but it is. I need to keep telling myself it. The best thing is... that I DID FALL PREGNANT. After so long of not knowing if I ever would, I did. So now we have a follow up appt with them in August, hopefully get another lot of herbs & try again. This time with better results. :)

I have a referral from my GP (not sure if I've mentioned this before or not) now to get more bloods taken at day 21, 22, and 23 of my next full cycle (following my next real period). That is to measure the level of progesterone in my body at that point of a cycle (after ovulation has occured). If it's not as high as it should be that would probably give a good indication of why the m/c occured, and what steps to put in place to prevent it happening again.

I've done a lot of research in to it all, and progesterone is needed to create, and sustain a pregnancy. I just have a feeling that mine may not be high enough since all of my temp's (when I was charting my temp every morning) are not as high as they should be, in general. I have very low temperatures (around the 33 - 34's), and from reading up your average temp throughout a cycle is between 35.8 & 36.7 - I'm way off! Since progesterone levels raise your temp, this would indicate my progesterone is not high enough. If this is the case, I will be asking for progesterone pessaries. They help sustain the prog in your body when you fall pregnant - to avoid another m/c.

Anyway, that was a lot. Hopefully the bloods will all come back fine, and they won't be needed! Just liking to do all the research, and be prepared.

Sending my love to you Fuzzy Angel xoxoxoxoxoxo - Mummy & Daddy love & miss you very much xoxoxoxoxoxox