Ouch

What a bullet. It felt like a bullet.

Got news through yesterday that Jess (Brett's wife) had just given birth to their second son.

I know I shouldn't say it like that, I just can't help it. It's how I felt. It's how I feel.

I don't think anyone else will ever understand unless they've been through a m/c themselves.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very very happy for them, and so glad the new baby was delivered safely and soundly, it just brings up a lot of very sad memories for me. Memories that are still so raw, and that I am still grieving through. I miss Fuzzy. I'm so angry at the universe for taking him away from me so quickly..!

Chad is being absolutely wonderful throughout it all. He understands. He said to me last night that we were going up the hospital today to see them & the new baby. I lost it. :( I must admit, I was very upset that he didn't even ask me, just assumed that I would be OK with it. :(

I'm not. I don't know when I will be.

I know this probably sounds very selfish, but if anyone reading this has been through a m/c themselves, they'll understand. I could very well attend the hospital, and could probably put on a happy face for them, and have a hold of the new baby. I could do it. But I don't want to. I don't think it will do anything in assisting my grieving for Fuzzy, and so long as Chad & Anika go, that's the main thing. Brett is Chad's brother. I do understand he has to go. As much as it still hurts knowing where he'll be going, and what he'll be doing, I know he has to.

It doesn't help that I have a55hole people around me (won't go in to any names) that think I should have 'got over it by now', since it happened 'nearly 2 weeks ago'. WTF?? Some people have no clue.

They never will.

But, throughout it all, congratulations Brett & Jess on the safe arrival of your new baby boy. Jai, congratulations on your new baby brother, and welcome to the world little one.

I have started enquiring in to different forms of grieving/relaxation. I've been reading up a lot lately on hypnotherapy. I know that probably sound wayy out there, but I'm nearly ready to give anything a go! I have my mood board, and whilst that helps me sometimes, I still find the negative thoughts creeping in to my mind - 'what is I don't fall pregnant for another 12 months', 'what is I miscarry my next baby', 'what if my body isn't designed for holding a full term baby'..? All the negativity just keeps on creeping in. & I need to stop it. I'm a big believer in 'The Secret' philosophy, so I need to put better thoughts out there! I'm thinking this can help.

We've also got another appt with the naturopathist for August 14, at 1:30pm. It is to see Stacey. She is the good one. She is the 'baby maker' (LOL). This is an amazing naturopathy clinic who is very well known (has even been on A Current Affair, etc) for creating babies. Working with your body, with the correct herbs, to make a viable pregnancy. I saw them in November of last year and have been taking the herbs (it is soo YUCK!), and now fell! That's the best thing out of all of this. I know I keep saying that throughout my blog, but it is. I need to keep telling myself it. The best thing is... that I DID FALL PREGNANT. After so long of not knowing if I ever would, I did. So now we have a follow up appt with them in August, hopefully get another lot of herbs & try again. This time with better results. :)

I have a referral from my GP (not sure if I've mentioned this before or not) now to get more bloods taken at day 21, 22, and 23 of my next full cycle (following my next real period). That is to measure the level of progesterone in my body at that point of a cycle (after ovulation has occured). If it's not as high as it should be that would probably give a good indication of why the m/c occured, and what steps to put in place to prevent it happening again.

I've done a lot of research in to it all, and progesterone is needed to create, and sustain a pregnancy. I just have a feeling that mine may not be high enough since all of my temp's (when I was charting my temp every morning) are not as high as they should be, in general. I have very low temperatures (around the 33 - 34's), and from reading up your average temp throughout a cycle is between 35.8 & 36.7 - I'm way off! Since progesterone levels raise your temp, this would indicate my progesterone is not high enough. If this is the case, I will be asking for progesterone pessaries. They help sustain the prog in your body when you fall pregnant - to avoid another m/c.

Anyway, that was a lot. Hopefully the bloods will all come back fine, and they won't be needed! Just liking to do all the research, and be prepared.

Sending my love to you Fuzzy Angel xoxoxoxoxoxo - Mummy & Daddy love & miss you very much xoxoxoxoxoxox