5 days on

It's been 5 days since we found out.

Without going too far in to it, the past few days have really been such a tumultuous time of ups & downs - rightfully so. One minute I think I'll be doing fine, and the next I'll break down in to a ball of nothing... It's so hard.

But throughout all of it, I'm still coming through the other side, and I'm still alive (despite my earlier beliefs..). I'm still breathing. I'm still here. I'm still me. I will move forward. I will grow throughout this - whether it takes me 1 week, 1 month, or 1 year - I will grow from it.

Gosh, am I really saying / writing all of this..................?? Hmm.. seems so.

Maybe I am moving forward, already.. In my own way.

I've decided to start my very own mood board. I've never done one of these before, nor anything even remotely like it, so it's very much a piece of the netherland region for me! In saying that though, once I got 'in to it', and had it finished, I was really quiet chuffed! It's got sayings on it such as "To Love, To Hold, To Cherish", "Honeymoon Baby", & "My Body & I Are Ready To Create a Happy, Healthy, Full Term Pregnancy". Along with those affirmations written across it, I've also stuck cut outs of pregnant bellies, baby related items, etc. It seems reminiscent of a year 5 kids school project with all the cut outs and sprawls, but whatever works right..?

I'm finding that writing here is really helping. If nothing else, it's helping me with an outside source of relinquishment (if that's even a word..) & some place to write what I'm feeling. (I find it much easier to write things down and my feelings etc, than saying). Then I go back over them after, and that is when I really think they hit home. It's one thing to write them, but it's another when I find myself reading it over.

We went for a bush walk on the weekend, up through the Hinterland of Maleny / Montville on Sunday. It was such a nice day, and a really good opportunity for us to 'let go', so to speak. We'll never emotionally or spiritually let go all together, but we sort of felt like we had to have that time or place, (for lack of a better word), in our lives, to commemorate the dividing moment in time. If that makes sense.

To be able to even think about moving forward to try again. Not that I think we'll try again straight away (I'm way still in the grieving process..), but if anything, to give us that.. Oh gosh, I'm not explaining myself very well. . .

I've also purchased both C & I a gift each, to commemorate same. I got a new charm for my Pandora bracelet - it's a teddy bear. To remind me of Fuzzy. It was either a Teddy, or an Angel, and since it was Anika's pick she picked the Teddy. Very fitting I thought. & Chad has been wanting a new jumper for a little while (we've just both been so busy lately we've barely had a moment to go looking) so I got him a lovely white & blue Billabong Jacket.

I'm finding work to be the hardest. Whilst I generally see myself as someone who can usually pick myself up and move on, I am sort of doing that. With one exception. Work. I just can't find myself getting the 'oomph' to move forward, and continue doing my job. I feel like I'm not doing ANY work during the day (bare bare minimum), and in my job I know I NEED to be. It's making things more difficult, yet I don't think I can help it at the moment. I almost feel like I just want to throw my job in (the added stress of tenant related issue's isn't helping atm!) and go home, and stay at home all day every day. Working full time, plus raising 3 children (one is ours - the other 2 are my brothers children who we're raising atm) is really really hard, and what with the lack of motivation at the moment, I feel like just throwing it all in.

I think if it weren't for the wedding still to pay for (in September) I would be doing just that...I need more motivation.