Crushed... :-(

I always thought that if I ever went through a m/c, that would be the end of me.

But I'm still here. Still breathing. Still functioning (only just), and still me.

I've been through an awful lot in my time, but nothing like this. This is the lowest of lows. This is the bottom.

Over the past day I've had a lot of time to digest it, and really go over it in my mind. I wonder if it happened due to 'The Secret'? Because I'd always been scared of a m/c, when I finally fell pregnant that one thought ruled my mind, and in turn, ruled the universe and what it did. To me. To Fuzzy.

It's not fair.

On the other hand I could be way off, and it could just be matter of my body doing what it was built to do - keep the good, and out with the bad - or so to speak. The body is an amazing thing. An amazing function.

I phoned the Fertility Centre at Nambour earlier this morning. We had our very first appt with them this afternoon to discuss 'the next step', since we weren't 'falling'. Denise, the Fertility Nurse there was so wonderful. I broke down on the phone to her. She was so lovely. She said all the right things. (funny how there can be so many right things to say at a time like this..) But she did. I like her.

She really put it in to perspective for me. With the help of Laura yesterday, and Denise this morning I really think I will get through this and go on to have a happy, healthy, viable pregnancy.

She said that even though it has taken us this long to fall, the bottom line is just that - that we were able to fall pregnant. In a nutshell anyway, she said a lot more than that, and in much nicer form / depth, but that was really the main point of it all. That is the good that we must take out of this.

That is the line of thinking I am going along now. Now I know I can have a baby, I will go on to have a healthy, viable, full term pregnancy, happily & healthily. :)

I feel so deep for Chad right now. The poor boy. Given he hasn't heard the words I have (from Laura and now, Denise) I think he's going through it a little harder at the moment. It's all good & well for me to pass on the words that people say, the support etc, but unless you receive it first hand I don't think it hits home as much.

We had a small discussion last night about it. . . about what happened. I even called him earlier this morning after I got off the phone to Denise, and explained some of what she had told me. He seemed more optimistic after that.

I've got the appt at the clinic tomorrow to have the possible D&C done. Denise recommended I talk to the doctor/nurse there though, before I have it done to see if it is really necessary (the D&C). She said sometimes (even more so my case since it was so early - 4 weeks 3 days) the body will pass it on it's own, and I may go on to have a normal period.

However, in saying that, all women are different & some elect to have it done. Part of me think I want to do that. The benefit of having it done is that I will go on to have a new, clean uterus & start afresh, and given my history of not falling pregnant, it may just be what we need to push us forward and for the eggy to ***stick***.

I'll decide in the morning once I speak with the clinic.

Hmm... It almost feel's like this is it. Like I now have to say goodbye to Fuzzy. :-( Why does it feel like that? I will never say goodbye. Always in our hearts.

Life's just not fair.

Fly free Angel One - Mummy, Daddy love and miss you very very much xoxoxoxoxoxoxo